today was a day full of mixed feelings.
it was finally a cool temperature and the sky was soft and gray. some leaves have begun to change, and i felt the beginning of fall. i sat in a coffee shop with one of my teammates and worked on schoolwork and drank a drink other than black coffee, water or tea. i noticed the new, and accepted it, but not yet fully welcome.
i walked home, and i felt the beginning of fall. this time, i felt hints of a fall years past. the fall that i miss, the fall my disorders miss. i don’t remember much, but i do remember how i felt. i felt free, and i felt new. i didn’t understand the severities of what i was developing, so i was allowed to be somewhat happy. running everyday as the sun began to fall with the warm leaves, i felt like one with the world. i haven’t had that feeling since, and i want it back more than anything.
i still can’t settle with myself now, making running and everything else not quite as pure as it used to be. because i know i can be better like i once was, i can’t be happy. i can’t enjoy my favorite season like i used to, because there was one much better.